Monday again. Yesterday was visitation and it went really well. Two of Jay's friends from work surprised him. It was nice to see that people care about him enough to make the trek up to the hospital on a weekend. Jay seemed a lot like his old self. I could tell though, that the hospital is getting to him. He is ready to come home. He's scared to death of the real world but I know he is tired of being away from me and the kids.
Today I had a meeting with Jay and the therapist. What a really nice guy. He asked a lot of questions that really got Jay to open up about things that I was completely unaware of. For instance he feels useless right now. I had no idea. I am heartbroken that he feels that way.
I wanted to tell him that being useful was never why I loved him in the first place. I wanted to say that if being useful meant doing things around the house, he was never exactly "useful" to begin with:) I wanted to say that he doesn't have to BE anything or DO anything to be loved in our family. It's a free ride. Just a perk for being one of us. I wanted to say that if there was any 'reason' why I loved him, it had nothing to do with usefulness. I love him and want to be with him for purely selfish reasons. I want to be near him because he makes me feel like I am the only girl in the world. He makes me laugh like no one else can. And he makes me feel safe. Not financially safe. Not physically safe. He makes me feel safe in a way that means that what we have is real and it's not going anywhere. Money: come or go. Mental health: come or go. WE are forever.
Those are the things I wish I had said. In reality all I said was, "I wish you didn't feel that way." V-e-r-y helpful. sigh.
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I really admire your ability to write such beautiful and honest accounts of your family's experience. I have a friend suffering from PTSD as well, and I truly wish you the best. This CAN be overcome!
ReplyDeleteHi Emme,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your comment over at Luck and Bliss. It meant a lot to me.
I've been reading your work here and I'd really like to write a "go here, read this" post on this blog. If you'd rather I not that that's TOTALLY ok. Either way, we're thinking of you and sending enormous good wishes.
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I've just read all of your posts. I am so touched by your accounts. I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I will lift you up in prayer. I found you through your comment on Erin's blog.
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