Sunday, April 25

I'm starting our story from the day his deployment ended. These entries are composed from memory, my journal entries, and the notebook I used to log Jay's unusual behavior.

The New Car

The week before Jay came home he told me about a car he had found online. An '87 Mustang GT in beautiful condition. He mentioned that it was in the next state over. Fortunately all of our family is there so I immediately thought that I could get this car for him. I didn't realize that the car was actually on the other end of the state. It's my own fault for not knowing my home state geography. Luckily, Jay's aunt stepped up and we drove to pick up the car. Driving back I was so nervous. I've driven long distances before but this car was not designed for a 110 lb girl with weak arms and high heel sandals. Shifting gears took everything I had. The next day I could hardly move. But I had managed to get it parked safely in Jay's aunts parking lot. Because she lives nearly two hours from us, I figured that Jay and I would drive up together to visit family and he could drive his new car home.

He had wanted to go pick up the car the day he got home. But it was raining very hard and he was nervous about driving the Mustang back. Of course I drove us up and he had a horrible panic attack on the way. I can't say I remember exactly when I first saw the facial tic. But it presented itself on the first day along with a periodically gaspy breath that seems like a spasm. And he has incredibly shaky legs at times that remind me of a marionette.

As it turned out, we did leave the car that first day. So on Sunday we woke up and he decided to try again. I felt like he was stalling. It took us several hours to get out of the house. His legs were really shaky and I was very scared for him to drive. We picked up the car and I followed him on the long way home. He drove WAY under the speed limit and I consider it a gift straight from God that we didn't cause an accident. But we did make it home safely. It was that trip that cemented in my brain that our lives were probably going to be changed forever.

May 6 2010- Looking back on those first couple days I see what a foolish decision it was to let him drive. He desperately wanted his car to be in his own garage and I desperately wanted to believe my husband was well. Jay has not driven since and won't be driving for some time.