Monday, April 26

I'm starting our story from the day his deployment ended. These entries are composed from memory, my journal entries, and the notebook I used to log Jay's unusual behavior.


Diagnosis Day

Today we went to the psychiatrist. Jay was so nervous but I was relieved. He was finally getting help. Help from a real doctor, in a real office, close to a real hospital. I sat with Jay in the waiting room. The doctor came to personally escort Jay to his office. I was ecstatic that he suggested that I come along too. I had no intention of speaking but I wanted to be there to hold Jay's hand. I am so glad I got to meet Dr. W. A civilian!! A man with his own mind and not chained to protocol and agenda. A man who was not hesitant to diagnose Jay with PTSD. Unlike the doctor before him, a navy doc on the FOB (forward operating base), who could only hand Jay a diagnosis of "anxiety disorder". I don't know why that doctor made the choices he did so I will not slam him here. But I will say this- a year ago my husband was a boy at heart who loved playing guitar, loud music, and fast cars. Today he barely picks up his guitar, is afraid of the slightest noise and is unable to drive. Anxiety Disorder my ass.

I want my husband back. Dr. W assured me we would get there. He suggested hospitalization but because Jay had just returned from a long absence he said that maybe jumping into the hospital wouldn't be best after all. He decided to put Jay on a 3 month profile which in a nutshell meant that he would keep working but in a very limited capacity. Jay is a medic but cannot think clearly, hold anything steady or handle blood right now. So the next 3 months would likely be a wait and see period. Either he gets much better and life continues on or he starts the process of getting discharged.

I am beyond happy that Jay has a doctor who is looking out for HIM and not the Army. He said he would call Jay every night this week. Thank you, God, for Dr. W.

Between picking up prescriptions (of which there are now six) and our appointments today we were on post for nearly four hours on what was supposed to be Jay's day off. We were exhausted. Jay had to get back to work the next day so we stopped for a haircut. Jay's tics were very obvious and as he sat in the chair the woman asked him if he was sick. He just told her he was tired. Later, he told me he felt like a freak. I hate how much pain he's in. I hate that I can't protect him from everything. I want to put a shield around him until he is well again.

When we got home we were up against a long night. Jay didn't sleep last night and tonight wouldn't give him any relief either. He stood barely awake staring under the hood of his Mustang. He told me later that he saw a light coming from underneath. When he leaned in closer to see where it was coming from there was a burned and twisted body holding the light. He would explain to me that he believes the visions he sees are dead men that are coming back to haunt him. He was afraid to go back into his garage. We determined that if this was really a dead man who wanted revenge it was clear that he was attacking something that Jay loved and shouldn't be allowed to get away with it. I think he was able to take control of the situation after that. And although the vision kept him awake all night, at least he was able to go back into the garage.