Friday, May 21, 2010

Fury, Then Perspective

Friday---The Fury

Today was supposed to be the day that Jay could come home. I kept it in the back of my head that they might keep him into the middle of next week. But after a meeting with his team (doc, therapist, etc) it was decided that if all went well I could pick him up Friday. Friday-today. Today as in yesterday-it-was-clear-that-the-next-day-would-be-FRIDAY!!!

The key I guess is that little phrase, "if all went well." All did not go well but not because of any fault of my husband. Things could not get processed in time for him to be released before everyone left for the weekend. Apparently, Jay has to make a stop in at the behavioral health center on post after he is released from the hospital. At noon today I got a call from my very depressed husband. He said that there is a 2pm deadline to process everything. So, from yesterday afternoon til 2pm today NOTHING was done in time to get Jay home. Now, he has to sit in the hospital all weekend even though he is technically cleared for release!!!

I had to listen to the disappointment in his voice as he explained to me that he couldn't come home because someone didn't start the process to release him early enough to meet the 2pm deadline. All of the office people who made this decision got to go home at 5pm. My husband gets to stare at the hospital walls for another three nights for no medical reason. Tell me how someone could know on Thursday that Jay was to be released but could wait until it was too late to file paperwork. Or tell me how it is that someone in behavioral health could deny the process knowing that it would mean that someone would have to stay in the hospital another weekend. I knew at 12pm that this was happening. In my eyes that's two whole hours that SOMETHING could have been done.

I realize that in the grand scheme of things, this is really not that horrible. It just frustrates me because he just came home from a deployment. Then almost immediately he was hospitalized. He misses his family. This mishandling is just frustrating. I could be seeing it all wrong. Maybe to the people at the hospital it wouldn't hurt for him to stay a few more days. Fine. Then don't tell him he could go home on Friday. Don't even give him that sliver to hold on to. Jerks.

After receiving the news that I wasn't picking Jay up I immediately went into big-pig mode. I found myself sitting on the kitchen floor plowing my way thru a bowl of pasta salad. According to the box on the Betty Crocker Bacon-Ranch Suddenly Salad, my food therapy cost me nearly 800 calories. I just couldn't stop myself. I can't help but turn to food during all this.

The week that Jay was in all that turmoil before the hospital, I lost five pounds. Everyone commented on my weight loss and it felt great. It seemed like a silver lining around a cloud that was otherwise raining down complete poo. Then after he was admitted it occurred to me that I had lost those five pounds because I had neglected to EAT! Now, I just shovel it in. A few days ago it was a bag of Doritos and a box of Swiss Cake Rolls in the course of two days. I'm a mess.

Thankfully, it's a gray, cloudy, sad-looking day. My favorite when I am depressed. I want to pout in peace without that bastard, the Sun, poking his fat, chipper head out making me feel guilty for just curling up on the couch.

I started writing this post last night. A big storm came thru and knocked out the power. When it came back on I never went back to finish. Instead I spent the entire night (til 4am) reading blogs by different military wives who were coping with varying degrees of hardship and heartaches.

Saturday---The Perspective

It's pretty common thinking that if you think that your life is bad there is always someone out there who has it worse. I don't believe I would go so far as to say my life is bad but I'm also not above crying in the shower, wishing I could just get carried down the drain by a bubble of soap.

After reading the blogs (pages and pages) I see how much I have to be thankful for. These women were not only dealing with PTSD and TBI but it was usually on top of severe physical injury. I am blessed that Jay didn't lose any limbs. I am blessed that he doesn't have any internal injuries. I am blessed that he is alive.

I am most blessed that he still loves me and WANTS to get well. After that, what else is there? We just keep going forward.

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