Friday, May 7

Today was Jay's appointment with the social worker, Jan. Since Jay is unavailable at the moment, Dr. W suggested I keep it. I was a little nervous going in. I wasn't sure what to expect. I knew that Dr. W wanted me to speak with Jan because he knows that what Jay is going thru is affecting the entire family. But I didn't know if I would be expected to talk about my feelings or if we'd work together to make a plan of action to keep my family together thru Jay's battle.

I sat in the waiting room filling out the health questionnaire. A thousand questions but so easy. I have wonderful parents, I had a beautiful childhood, I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, I don't have anger issues, and there are no dark family histories lurking in my family tree. I am the most boring client/patient EVER. Since I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of whining about my feelings on our situation I decided I would go in there and just focus on what Jay needs from us. I'm not saying that a wife shouldn't go in there and whine if she is feeling overwhelmed or sad or angry. She most certainly should get those feelings out to someone who has the power to help her. It's just that I am not at that point.

Rush came with me so all worries about what Jan and I would talk about were for nothing. He dominates the room. Especially since he's currently obsessed with tornadoes. He talks about them non-stop, he watches videos on the computer, he "tracks" the weather on the radar, and he draws them incessantly. He doesn't seem afraid of them. At least not in the usual sense. As he says, "They are just in my head and I can't get them out." Naturally, Jan was all over this. She made the connection that anyone might about how Rush's life might feel like a whirlwind and out of control right now. I thought to myself that this was straight off a TV movie. Is it ever really so cut and dry? Jan told me of an art therapy for children that's going on thru July. I definitely think I need to get him into that. He carries a pen and paper everywhere and he draws almost continuously thru out the day. Art therapy sounds perfect for him.

When Rush was busy with other things Jan and I were able to talk. She is so easy to talk to. She has a look that says "You are safe here." She reminds me of a high school art teacher with her big beads and her long skirt and the funky posters on the wall. She carries a bag of aromatherapy bottles in a sparkly bag. She is really special.

The conversation stayed mostly around what I can do to make sure my marriage doesn't become a victim of Jay's disorder. THAT I am comfortable with. Jay and I are dedicated to each other. He and I have been thru so much over the years and I absolutely refuse to let this come between us. I will do whatever I can to help him thru this.

After our appointment I was off to get P. It's nearly three hours round trip and when I got home I was dragging my feet. Thankfully, our Friday dinner ritual lately is biscuits and gravy. P loves it and since I use a sausage gravy mix (much to my mother's horror!) and canned biscuits it's almost as fast as drive-thru but for less than $2. Our other Friday night ritual is Ghost Whisperer. My daughter loves that show. We have been clogging up the Netflix queue with past seasons. Every Saturday we have a Ghost Whisperer marathon to get her caught up. I thought that our weekend tradition might end or at least slow down once Jay got home from Afghanistan. But, here we are just like old times. In fact, last night Jay called and I stepped out of the room. When I came back to the couch P said, "It feels like he's still deployed." It does. He's just forty five minutes away but at times it feels as though he hasn't come home at all.