Saturday, June 19, 2010

The Memo Board

I am feeling neglectful. It has been a very busy week and I've had trouble grabbing the me-time to hop on the computer to blog about what's been going on. I want to thank Erin again at Luck & Bliss for making that cute little button. She is such a delightful, ray of sunshine that just perks me up every time I turn on my computer. I love her conversational style, her creativity, and her willingness to share thru her tutorials. Because of her thoughtfulness, she has single-handedly turned my little journal into full-fledged therapy for me by mentioning me to the ladies who read her blog. She truly does have some very kind readers and the comments I've received have really helped me during this lonely time. I cannot thank her enough and I am so happy to have crossed internet paths with her and the ladies she has introduced me to.

Normally, I type until my fingers nearly fall off and then edit away until I'm left with what is probably still WAY too many words. Today, though, I want to just share what I woke up to a few mornings ago.

To set it up, Jay has very little short term memory. He has hung several dry-erase boards thruout the house to keep track of what is in his head, to make lists of what he wants to accomplish for the day, and to post rules for the kids. He calls them his Prosthetic Brain.

A few nights ago we had a small disagreement. We rarely argue now because honestly it really is useless. Not because we are soooo in love and we see how silly arguing is--that would really make a person gag, huh?-- but because he processes information differently now and any time he feels threatened in any way he gets very defensive. Even the most innocent comment from me can send him spiraling down hill for the whole night. So it's in everyone's best interest for me to let things roll off and to not make waves. This isn't me walking on eggshells. This is me seeing that my love is hurting and not wanting to exasperate a problem by always having to have my way. This is working for now because for one, I am pretty cooperative and do not NEED to have my way all the time, and for another, he will most likely not remember our conversation the next day. So why go thru the drama? That's not to say that our conversations are pointless. But, the day after a conversation of any type he is less likely to remember the actual details and words spoken and more likely to remember how those words made him FEEL.

But try as I do to not stir up trouble, I did hurt his feelings the other night when I didn't exactly agree on where the kids' game systems should go. He was annoyed by all the wires and thought the systems should be out of sight. I thought the kids should have easy access to the systems or they wouldn't play them. Long story short, this simple disagreement led to a major meltdown. What I perceived as a conversation about where to put the kids' toys, he heard outright ridicule of his ideas and rejection of him as a person. He was up past midnight trying to explain to me how badly he felt that I wasn't on his side. I went to sleep exhausted. Exhausted by the busyness of the day and exhausted by all the emotions that are wrapped into every detail of our lives right now.

The next day I found this:

I'm sorry for being so difficult. I can't imagine what kind of burden I can be sometimes. I love you very much and I love Nathan (Rush) and Paige, too. Sometimes I feel like such an alien. I promise I'm trying as hard as I can. Thanks for putting up with me. J

His little message made me cry. I hate that he feels so badly all the time. I hate that he feels like a burden. But, I love that he lets me know how he feels because it makes it all that much easier to adore him!

PS-I included his comment about my turkey burgers because I was just so danged proud:)

1 comment:

  1. Oh...this post brought tears to my eyes.
    I don't know what it is like to share something like PTSD with a loved one...but I do know about love (as Forrest Gump would say) and the love you both have for each other is evident in the dry erase board well as your posts.
    I'm following your blog so I can read the posts as I have the time.
    Thank you so much for sharing!!