Sunday, May 2

I'm starting our story from the day his deployment ended. These entries are composed from memory, my journal entries, and the notebook I used to log Jay's unusual behavior.

The Calf

We woke up at Mom's and it was a lazy, rainy day on the farm. Mid-morning we were outside with Mom on the porch chit-chatting as she was preparing the grill. Jay was very talkative and it was so nice to be out there with two of my favorite people away from all the noise of town. Nothing in sight but cows and trees. So peaceful. Until we heard gunshots in the distance. Immediately Jay jerked around to see where the shots came from. Mom quickly explained that it was just hunters far off in the woods. But, Jay was shaken up so we went back into the house. He took a Clonipin which immediately sends him into a zombie-trance. I sat on the floor and he clung to my lap til he fell asleep.

A few days before, a calf had been born to a momma whose milk never came in. My parents had been feeding him from a giant bottle. My husband, the great animal lover, jumped at the chance to feed the baby cow. Everyone trekked out to the barn in the rainy, nasty muck to see the calf. We all stood in the barn laughing while Jay made jokes with the calf. He was so at home out there with that animal. Then the rain just poured down. The noise on the tin roof stopped Jay mid-sentence. He wrapped his arms around me and buried his face into my shoulder and stood their shaking til it passed. No one said a word but I looked at my mom and her eyes were watering up. I couldn't look at my dad because I knew that I would start crying and I really needed to hold myself together so Jay wouldn't be embarrassed. Finally, he let go and went back to finish his sentence.

Jay, being a medic, gave dad tips to help build up the calf's energy. I don't know if my dad needed the advice or not but he appeared that he appreciated it. Jay knew that the calf needed a sugar boost and advised dad on what product to buy from the farm supply store. Dad needed to give the calf a shot of antibiotic and this would normally have been Jay's playground. But needles are a trigger for Jay, so he just asked my mom to get some honey to rub in the calf's mouth. He held the calf while my dad gave him the shot and then went about rubbing what ended up just being syrup (as Mom was out of honey) onto the calf's gums. This little cow soothed my husband in a way that nothing else had so far. He was like a little boy and even asked if we could take him home.



We were then off to say bye to Mamaw and then make our way to Jay's Grannie's house. My Mamaw can be an unemotional woman. I love her to pieces but she can seem a little cold sometimes. Not to me, of course, but to others for sure. When Jay walked in the door she immediately took him by the hands and her eyes welled up with tears as she went on and on to him about how wonderful he was. She said she could feel him shaking and he was having a little trouble speaking. But it truly was a beautiful moment. I have loved this woman my entire life and I don't remember ever seeing her cry. I have been with her at funerals where I'm sure she did cry but I have no distinct memory of seeing tears. And there she stood, a tiny little woman, broken-hearted by my Jay.

Jay slept on the way to his Grannie's house. She made him grilled cheese and tomato soup. Comfort food that provided as much comfort to her as it did to him. Then we were off to drop P off at her dad's before stopping by Jay's mom and dad's. He wanted to see everyone because he knew there was a chance that he would be admitted for a while once he got to the hospital for his outpatient care. It turns out he would be admitted. And we would just skip the whole outpatient step.

Saturday, May 1

I'm starting our story from the day his deployment ended. These entries are composed from memory, my journal entries, and the notebook I used to log Jay's unusual behavior.


Busy Day

Jay has been home for a week. He woke up groggy but ready to get going. He hadn't slept well as he kept getting up to check the locks on the doors. A few days before he had installed little alarms on them. They don't connect to anything but just let out a shrill beep whenever the door is open. Normally, people would have these set just at night time. But Jay insists they stay on all day so he knows when the door is open. There is also a setting on the alarm so that instead of a shrill beeping there is a small ding-dong sound. That is our compromise during the day. So now if you come into my home it sounds as if you are walking into the corner market. Welcome! How can I help you today?

Jay and P (our daughter) spent the afternoon removing speakers from the truck to put into my car when Jay gets to feeling better. While they were outside our neighbor struck up a conversation with him. I glanced outside and saw them standing together and smoking. Jay has been very out of it since beginning his medication and I could only imagine what the neighbor must have been thinking since I wasn't there explaining Jay's behavior. Jay appears high or drunk. Very much NOT what is actually happening to him. It turns out that the neighbor is a Vietnam vet who was badly injured in the war and I would later learn as I spoke to him a few days after, his life was saved by a medic. He felt a connection with my medic-husband, maybe even a protectiveness.

Jay decided he wanted to go visit my parents and my brother. My brother lives next door to my parents as does my grandma (Mamaw as we say where I'm from.) I had told my mother to tell everyone what was happening to Jay so that they would be prepared. I explained that it was hard to watch but to act as if everything was ok. They didn't have to ignore that things had changed, but Jay didn't want them to be alarmed. I knew that she did her best but I knew they were all more than shocked when Jay walked thru the door.

My dad is a vet himself. And although he never saw actual combat, he had been deployed to Saudi Arabia during Desert Storm and witnessed more than enough destruction. I could tell that he was upset at what was happening to Jay. It tugs at my heart in a good way though. Jay and my dad are VERY different. Dad is very straight-laced: no smoking, drinking, cussing etc. Jay chain smokes now (thanks to his nerves) , has had trouble with alcohol in the past, and cusses like a...well, not a sailor, but like a soldier. He also has a complete sleeve of tattoos on one arm and half of one started on the other. My dad loves country music, my husband is death-metal to the core. They could not be more opposite and it has been obvious ever since Jay and I got together. But now, as Jay is struggling, my dad has opened his arms to him and all differences are irrelevant. They are just two comrades and my dad's heart has gone out to him.

My mother is a saint. She had a brain tumor removed over a decade ago and while she has seemed to recover, she still battles memory loss and confusion at times. She has assured Jay that although she doesn't know exactly what he's going thru, she does know what it feels like to be scatter-brained and lost all the time. She was quick to make Jay feel like he was perfectly normal even though his behavior showed otherwise.

We went up to visit my brother and his wife. My brother, E, and Jay are really good friends. I could tell that E was very upset by what Jay was going thru. Jay's tics were very obvious and his medication had made him very wobbly. He had a great time visiting with E and his wife, S, though. He was joking and almost seemed like his old self. He was plowing thru a box of Swiss Cake Rolls when he had a really bad attack on their kitchen floor. It was scary for everyone but we just sat back and let him finish. I rubbed his back while he gasped and hit his head. It seemed to last forever. But, finally it was over and we all pretended that everything was ok. It took everything I had to not start sobbing right there on the floor.

Jay would have stayed up all night anyway, so it was nice to be around family til around 4am when we finally decided to go back down the street to Mom's house. The thunder and lightning were really terrible and he was so afraid. He was smoking on the porch and just shaking. I begged him to go inside so we could go to bed. He was just so afraid of sleeping. Finally around 5am I was able to get him in the house, get him undressed and into bed. Which of course was actually a blanket on the floor in the living room next to the door. My sister's bed was available since she was out at a friend's. But, just like at home, he needed to be near the door at all times.

Before he fell asleep he told me that my family makes him feel safe. This means alot to me. My family is full of really wonderful people. We are not rich and successful. But we have great character and that means more than anything.

Friday, April 30

I'm starting our story from the day his deployment ended. These entries are composed from memory, my journal entries, and the notebook I used to log Jay's unusual behavior.


Finally The Weekend

I got Jay off to work today and then picked him up again at 11am. Everyone had been let go but had to be back later that afternoon. We decided to run to the BMV to transfer the title and register the Mustang. It was very crowded and instead of taking a number and taking a seat like we normally see, the line snaked around like at a bank. It was alot for Jay to take so he slipped out and waited for me to get closer to the front of the line.

It was finally our turn and all was going well. We signed what we needed to sign, their guy had gone to inspect our vehicle (since it was an out of state title), and just as we were getting ready to pay, the system in the ENTIRE state failed. We were so close. She had our license plate sitting on our paperwork. My debit card was out and almost in her hands. And then, bam. Nothing. We waited it out for about twenty minutes but gave up. She stapled our paperwork together and told me I could come back later. Argh.

The place was quite packed by then and as we were walking out a little old man in a little old truck pulled up to the door to check things out. I politely told him that he might want to come back another time since the computers were down. Jay recognized the emblem on the old man's hat. I didn't but I recognized the sticker on his truck window. He had the same Airborne symbol as the patch on my husband's uniform. Completely out of character, my husband reached out his hand and struck up a conversation with the man. They talked for a bit and discovered they were both from the 2-504. Don't ask me what all that entails because I don't know. But it was a sweet coincidence to run into this old man who had been one of those "Devils in Baggy Pants" back when the Devils actually jumped into combat. Jay isn't with the 82nd anymore but he went to Iraq with them. It was heart warming to see my husband attach himself to a stranger so quickly.

When we got to the car Jay expressed his irritation that he had forgotten to ask for the guy's number. He would have liked to take him out for coffee or lunch just to hear what the old man had to say. I told him that it might have been destiny that those two meet. I mean, after all, had the computers not gone down we would have been in and out of the BMV without ever running into the man. I said that maybe Jay was meant to be there at that particular moment in time to remind that vet how much he was still admired. (Days later I would begin to think that it was a little more than that.)

I drove Jay back to work and I headed out of town to pick up my daughter. Last year Jay re-enlisted so we could change duty stations so I could be closer to my two children from my past life. They are 11 and 15 and have friends and lives of their own in our home state. We have all come to the conclusion that it is easier on them to remain where they are and for me to just pick them up on weekends. My son rarely comes down as he is very attached to his dad and his dad's family as well as his friends. I have come to terms with this. I had him all to myself for 12 years and it's ok that now he wants to be with his dad more than me. I know he loves me and he knows I love him. As for my daughter, she is with me any minute we can get. It was especially difficult her not living with me all the time. But she can only go to school in one place so it's easier on her not to switch. So every Friday I make the hour and half drive to pick her up after school and then again on Sunday to take her back. I can't wait for the summer!

My daughter has been Jay's step-daughter since she was four. They are very attached to each other and she is a bright little light that just makes our whole house happy. On the way home I explained to her what Jay was going thru. I had confidence that she could handle it. She is very intuitive and knows how to put people at ease. I couldn't wait to get her home because I knew she had the power to really lift Jay up. I raced home after picking her up to find that he and his friend had just pulled up as well. Perfect timing. Thank God for his friends. They have helped him in Afghanistan while he was trying to ride out the deployment while battling his PTSD, they have helped get him home after work, and they have offered to help with anything they can.

He was so exhausted today. But he insisted on taking his friend out to the garage to show off his car. I have often second-guessed my decision to run out and blow our emergency fund on that car since he is unable to even drive it. But at times like this, when he is able to brag to his friends, I see that it was worth the expense. The insurance is costly too but it is a small price to pay for my husband to still feel like a man. Maybe he won't be able to drive it for a while. At least he knows it's his.

Again, Jay fought sleep all night. I had grown weary of following him outside to the garage every time he wanted to smoke so I gave in and decided he could smoke in the house. JUST until he gets better. Since my first apartment when I was 18 years old no one has been allowed to smoke in my home. This was a very big deal to let him light up on my couch. I hate the smell of cigarettes. But I am deathly afraid of Jay starting a fire since he often drifts off while smoking. I really had no choice if I wanted to maintain my own sanity.

We had a big weekend ahead of us and finally Jay gave in to sleep and drifted off sometime after midnight.

Thursday, April 29

I'm starting our story from the day his deployment ended. These entries are composed from memory, my journal entries, and the notebook I used to log Jay's unusual behavior.

The Trip, The Cell Phone, and TMI

Since Jay had slept for 14 hours I was hopeful that today would be a good day. I got him to work and luckily everyone was released at 9am. I had been waiting in the car for three hours. Since it was so early in the morning it wasn't hot yet, but our son was awake this time. It is very difficult to keep a five year old busy in a car for three hours. But, Jay had asked me to wait, so wait I did. On the way home I asked him how he felt since he seemed less zombie-like. He told me he felt numb. It hurts when the man you love is so sad from the inside out.

We had an errand to run in the city. A trip to the city requires about 25 minutes on the interstate. Right now the interstate is not Jay's friend. Semis zipping by at 70 mph send Jay up against the car door grasping the handles. Our errand took us downtown where I do not like to drive. This time of year is BIG for this little city and the traffic was not pretty. I do not enjoy driving and I HATE driving in the city. Period. We got a little turned around and I was getting very nervous. I'm always afraid that I am going to make a stupid mistake and cause an accident. This anxiety is very real and has paralyzed me since I was 16.

But, only one person at a time can have anxiety issues so I really need to learn to keep mine in check. The beautiful thing was Jay took my hand and calmed ME down. He helped me figure out where I needed to be and helped me see that my fears were unwarranted. We got lost on our way out but I didn't care because I knew that he was with me. And thankfully, he was lucid enough to help me. I'm happy I had the little attack. It provided me a window into what my husband must be feeling. In my case, I knew why I was feeling the way I was and I knew that it would stop as soon as I was out of the situation. Jay feels that panicked feeling thru out the day and he doesn't know when it will end. I will go to the end of the earth to make this stop for him.

Jay has been very restless. Always on the move. He wanted to go pick out new cellphones. His had a broken hinge and although I had managed to use it for his entire deployment, when he got home he didn't have the patience to open it gingerly enough to keep it together. My phone's charger has been messed up since October. But I don't like to change phones. I get used to one and it becomes an extension of me. I have no desire to learn how to use another one. I would be happy to just keep going out to my car to charge my old phone. It really is out of date, I guess. Who keeps a cellphone for 2 1/2 years?

We were in the Sprint store being helped by a really sweet girl when Jay got a call from one of his superiors. Normally, Jay would have just excused himself and walked away to take the call. This time he just answered the call in front of the girl and then just walked out with no explanation. And left her standing there. She turned to me to finish her presentation of the phones. I then offered her the explanation that my husband had just got home and needed a little time to acclimate himself socially again. She seemed to understand.

An hour before, Jay had received a text to wear his beret the next morning. Apparently Jay didn't respond that he had received this message and someone was a little upset. Good grief. This would normally be no big deal for Jay. He would just let it roll off him. But, now he is so fragile emotionally that this little episode had real power to ruin our night. So he stayed outside while I finished setting up his new phone. I will return later to pick out mine.

After he picked out his phone (the most complicated one, by the way) he wanted to go to Walmart to look around and to just keep moving. We were doing fine until we got in line. Being in line is very stressful for Jay. I guess he feels enclosed and confined and it gives him serious anxiety. We were in the middle of a conversation and he just walked away mid-sentence to go to the bench across from the registers. A peaceful calm came over me. It was as though this was perfectly normal and we would just pick up our conversation when we got to the car. I think that our normal is going to be very different now. And I am ok with that.

When we were at the doctor's Monday, Dr. W expressed to us how important it was that we remain intimate. He was worried that the side effects from the meds would kill Jay's libido. He gave him a prescription to help him along. In the car on the way home that day Jay laughed a little that he would never need help in that department. But here we were Thursday and we had not been physical since Sunday afternoon. A 29 year old, fresh from a deployment, would normally want to be rolling around in the hay every minute. But, all this medication has Jay zapped. He tried the prescription but even with my efforts we just couldn't make it happen.

It was a half-hearted attempt on my part, I confess. I knew that Jay was only trying because he felt that I wanted it. Right now Jay has no interest in anything, not just sex. I don't feel the neglect that he assumes I do. If we had not been intimate for several weeks then maybe I would feel neglected but it had only been a few days. A few exhausting days at that. So, my goal was to just get him to our bed. My hope was that once he was horizontal and in the dark he would get sleepy and be able to drift off. And that's exactly what happened. Under any other circumstance a woman would be ticked that she had shaved and prepped for nothing. But at that moment in time, I couldn't have been happier. I watched him sleep for a few minutes and ran my hands over my smooth legs. It would be another week before I even had the time to shave again.

Even though the prescription didn't have the effect Jay was hoping for, at least something good came from it. When I woke up the next morning I found that he had eaten 10 pizza rolls, several Poptarts, and a bunch of cookies. That was more than he had eaten since he got home. And while he hadn't rested in the night like I thought he had, at least he had filled his belly.

Wednesday, April 28

I'm starting our story from the day his deployment ended. These entries are composed from memory, my journal entries, and the notebook I used to log Jay's unusual behavior.


Sleepy Time

I had a very hard time getting Jay to work today. He was so out of it. I dressed him and got him to the car. I had begged him to let me call someone so he didn't have to go in to work but he refused. I reluctantly dropped him off at formation but I waited in the parking lot for 3 1/2 hours just in case he needed me to take him home. I was half afraid that his superiors would call the ambulance to have him admitted. I knew that between his exhaustion and the medication he just needed rest.

Thankfully, our son just slept in the backseat while I waited. I drifted off myself and had I been able to stay awake, I would have noticed that all of the guys had been bussed to a different location. I was sitting in the parking lot waiting on NOBODY. When I finally got the courage to leave and go home I was a nervous wreck until I got the call I was expecting. "Come get your husband. He can't stay awake." Well, duh.

He fell asleep immediately in the car. Somehow I got him into the house. I managed to get him down to his underwear and onto the couch. He slept there until I had to wake him for work the next morning. Not a peep for fourteen hours. He had been so afraid to sleep since he came home and he was in so much turmoil. The sound of him snoring was the most beautiful sound in the whole world. (It would be the last serious block of sleep that he would get before he was admitted)

Tuesday, April 27

I'm starting our story from the day his deployment ended. These entries are composed from memory, my journal entries, and the notebook I used to log Jay's unusual behavior.


First Day Back to Work

Today Jay had to go back to work. The doctor wanted him to have a little time off but because the guys had just returned from a deployment he was required to complete Reverse SRP (soldier readiness processing). I consider that BS (no explanation needed). I drove him to work as he was not able to drive himself. The medication that Dr. W had prescribed had yet to really kick in but it was clear by that point that he didn't belong behind the wheel.

I was afraid to leave him so I drove to the Walmart just off post and walked around for an hour. According to his profile he was allowed to call me to get him if he needed me. I drove home not sure if he was going to make it thru the morning. I knew they only had a half day or so, so the odds were good that he'd make it. His friend drove him home and although he still had the breathing tic when he came in the house, he appeared well.

Around 1pm he became very sleepy but refused to lie down. (This would be what I would battle for the next week.) He would be exhausted to the point of sleeping while standing, but would absolutely refuse to sleep. So, I would follow him around the house to make sure he didn't hurt himself. My mother had called me in the afternoon and since I needed to charge my phone in my car I asked Jay if he wanted to smoke in the car while I talked to her. While we were out there he asked me to look for something in the house. I ran in the house to get it and when I came back outside he was asleep and burning a hole in his pants with his cigarette.

Although he was beyond tired he demanded that we go to the pet store. He had his heart set on getting two baby rats. I wanted him to stay home where it was safe but he insisted. So off we went to find his babies. He presented several tics at the pet store and appeared very withdrawn but the employee that helped us was so kind. I live in a very rural military community. This employee was a big man with a gorgeous tan, lots of jewelry and a ton of mascara. Not exactly the good ol' boy that is the norm here. He was also a rat lover. So, I believe that he knew what it felt like to be different and he made us both feel very, very normal. For as long as I live I will never forget how he looked at my husband. It was such a look of subtle understanding and acceptance.

The medication had put Jay into a zombie-like state but he seemed to come out of a bit as he was putting together the cage for the baby rats. It was so sweet to see him on the floor building their habitat with our son. My husband always, ALWAYS, has something living to take care of. We have not been allowed to have dogs or cats anywhere we've been but in the last couple years we have had a snake, a ferret, some hermit crabs, fish, and several rats. Actually, the love of rats came from the snake. Jay had bought a feeder rat for our snake that turned out to be too big for him. The rat and Jay bonded and we realized how smart and sweet they actually are.

Dr. W called tonight and recommended Jay start outpatient care on Tuesday. I would drive Jay to formation around 6am and then have him at the Army hospital at 7:30am where he would take a bus with some other patients to a clinic in the city. Jay's only job for a while would be to get well. I told him that Jay couldn't sleep. Wouldn't sleep. Was afraid to sleep. He told me to have him take Klonopin and Ambien. I fixed Jay a plate of food and went to get ready for bed. I came out to find him with his face nearly in his food, fast asleep. Thank God.

He slept soundly til the alarm went off at 4:30am. Ugh. Formation.

Monday, April 26

I'm starting our story from the day his deployment ended. These entries are composed from memory, my journal entries, and the notebook I used to log Jay's unusual behavior.


Diagnosis Day

Today we went to the psychiatrist. Jay was so nervous but I was relieved. He was finally getting help. Help from a real doctor, in a real office, close to a real hospital. I sat with Jay in the waiting room. The doctor came to personally escort Jay to his office. I was ecstatic that he suggested that I come along too. I had no intention of speaking but I wanted to be there to hold Jay's hand. I am so glad I got to meet Dr. W. A civilian!! A man with his own mind and not chained to protocol and agenda. A man who was not hesitant to diagnose Jay with PTSD. Unlike the doctor before him, a navy doc on the FOB (forward operating base), who could only hand Jay a diagnosis of "anxiety disorder". I don't know why that doctor made the choices he did so I will not slam him here. But I will say this- a year ago my husband was a boy at heart who loved playing guitar, loud music, and fast cars. Today he barely picks up his guitar, is afraid of the slightest noise and is unable to drive. Anxiety Disorder my ass.

I want my husband back. Dr. W assured me we would get there. He suggested hospitalization but because Jay had just returned from a long absence he said that maybe jumping into the hospital wouldn't be best after all. He decided to put Jay on a 3 month profile which in a nutshell meant that he would keep working but in a very limited capacity. Jay is a medic but cannot think clearly, hold anything steady or handle blood right now. So the next 3 months would likely be a wait and see period. Either he gets much better and life continues on or he starts the process of getting discharged.

I am beyond happy that Jay has a doctor who is looking out for HIM and not the Army. He said he would call Jay every night this week. Thank you, God, for Dr. W.

Between picking up prescriptions (of which there are now six) and our appointments today we were on post for nearly four hours on what was supposed to be Jay's day off. We were exhausted. Jay had to get back to work the next day so we stopped for a haircut. Jay's tics were very obvious and as he sat in the chair the woman asked him if he was sick. He just told her he was tired. Later, he told me he felt like a freak. I hate how much pain he's in. I hate that I can't protect him from everything. I want to put a shield around him until he is well again.

When we got home we were up against a long night. Jay didn't sleep last night and tonight wouldn't give him any relief either. He stood barely awake staring under the hood of his Mustang. He told me later that he saw a light coming from underneath. When he leaned in closer to see where it was coming from there was a burned and twisted body holding the light. He would explain to me that he believes the visions he sees are dead men that are coming back to haunt him. He was afraid to go back into his garage. We determined that if this was really a dead man who wanted revenge it was clear that he was attacking something that Jay loved and shouldn't be allowed to get away with it. I think he was able to take control of the situation after that. And although the vision kept him awake all night, at least he was able to go back into the garage.